“I feel like writing without the idea of what to write. There is nothing concrete that I want to say, nothing I want to narrate. But I feel I have to write (type rather) and so I do.”

Somewhere I read “Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck.”  Now what should I call it, whatever happening with me is my bad luck or something cheerful is waiting for me. I don’t know. A block made in my mind and nothing happening in life. This life seems to be a bit too boring. I do not know what to do to make it eventful.

I had written about my job struggle on last 27^th April 2008. I was so happy then. I had drafted all the way of my journey to reach this destiny but as I said, my destiny always makes me fool. Since last 2 month I have been waiting for a single piece of paper and that is my appointment letter. The paper which would bring the charm in my subdue life.

Past 2 month was sheer stress for me. Over the last 2 years, I had stopped doing anything except work. I had no hobbies or extra curricular activities. I was not sure what to do when I got such long holidays. Initial weeks were gone in enjoyment; life hasn’t been free like this before, now I have no choice to spend this dead time. Now I am desperate for work.

 In last 2 months, I have been also looking for other opportunities. I had got couple of call from a companies located in Thane. I was tempted to go for interviews atleast to check the ability and had some change. But next moment, I was suggested that anyway MSEB appointment letter would be around the corner, why to look for another job. I was also convinced. I have been in touched with my uncle who works in MSEB kept promising me that intended appointment letter could release soon. I am just blank now at home.

In Mumbai each day was filled with numerous tension, frustration, conflicts and late nights. But here at home time has absolutely dead. I am stuck… Now I started feeling, Life has to start from scratch again  If I do not find a way out, I am finished here…. I have to do something. But what? This had happened several times before with me. All the paths closed and literally no way out. But some where some route will be open for me.

I have to admit, talking to fiends becomes my routine stuffs to spend the time at home. I have seen very few people come and go over the years in my life and its fortunate to feel good that most of them still remain in contact with me. I know some of them over the last few years and some of them for lesser time. Each person special in himself/herself.

These few peoples helped to cheer me up. As I used to say “Waqt rehta nahin kahin tik kar, iski aadat bhi aadmi si hai”

 It’s been a journey and I am not alone in this journey. I have been joined by family and friends, some old and some new. It has been an interesting experience uptil now. Not exactly as I wanted but interesting nevertheless. Another year, another year of opportunities and another year of experience but I wants those few people not to change for me along with the time.

To be continued…..

I have been maintaining my positive attitude and keep struggling with my destiny. I realized that I need to upgrade my qualification if not my knowledge atlest. I was asked to learn auto-cad in my present company. I was supposed to assign some design project wherein drafting was core assignment. I felt relief and thought, its atlest better to this kind of interesting assignments. The surprising fact the training would be sponsoring by my company, just I needed to enroll my registration to any nearby IT centre. And the beneficial fact that for training classes, I was permitted to leave the office atlest 1 hour before normal closing time.

But few of my friends demolished me stating such draftsman activity will not help me much to enhance my knowledge. Moreover I didn’t find any reputed computer institute in my nearby locality. Moreover next week this upcoming project was not assigned to our firm.

The thought of some sort of IT training kept me triggering. I gathered few courses information and then ‘Pranali’, ‘K’ and ‘I’ (wasn’t it sound like Asha bhosale’s new album) decided to register IT institute at Vashi. We decided to attend on Saturday and Sunday. So next 8 weekends I had to dedicate to these training modules. Even after completion I was not sure about better job postings. But some reason, ‘P’ and ‘K’ could not enroll them. Eventually I was not also able to enroll my name.

Meantime, I got relieving news about MSEB exam result. I had cleared that written exam based on passing students would be called for final interviews. I was quite glad. But same time nervous also about the interview thought.Next week, I got another interview offer from some company located in Andheri. I had never heard about of that company. I did not know a lot that time. My intuitions were telling me, I would be definitely selected. But I was not happy about that offer as being far place from my living place. One of my friend who was also working in that same area and she promised me to look for better accommodation for me if I join the firm.

As guessed, I got selected and was offered good salary. It was a good sign of being progress. I formally resigned my present company and joined this new firm. My few days (2 or 3) in the company were spent having an overview of various manuals and records. This is common dosing to new employee to any organization. Dozens of manuals are bombarded oh him/her of which would be never used in their daily assignments. Now Andheri is western line in the Mumbai local railway network. I stay in the harbor railways network which just meant that I had to change two trains and reach the office, a journey that could take anywhere between 60 minutes to 90 minutes.

I was finding it difficult to manage this juggle over this train journey. After coming back from work I was just throwing myself to bed. It was too much hectic. Each day was filled with numerous tension, frustration, conflicts and late nights. This enervation again put me back on sit. Meanwhile my elder sister got admitted to hospital. She was being operated for small surgery. I wanted to go to my place to see her. But how could I ask for a leave just after joining a week. It’s been a real dilemma for me. Finally weighing up possible outcomes, I decided to go to see her without informing to boss. Next day I hooked on the train.

It was quite relief to spend few days with family. I was just chilled out with no idea what I would do in future. I had an uncertain future and surprisingly I was not worried. I was planning to join M. Tech in the same college from I passed out my engineering degree. I was getting same sort of suggestions from around the corner. 5 Days later, I got an interview call for MSEB and the interview centre was same …in Mumbai. I hate this city. Not in term of infrastructure, but the way of life style, crowd, professionalism and many more factors. I always wish I would not to spend my life in this city. After a week, life is again taking me back to the Mumbai.I do remember few lines of Milind Ingale . He sung for Marathi movie. I had been experiencing above lines in my life. I wanted to move on in life and wanted to be out of Mumbai. I am still surprised. I decided not to worry about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that were present in my life now. My MSEB interview was wonderful. I did well. I faced it confidently. It was a nice feeling  when you feel more confident and do something perfectly. While returning back to Amravati after that interview, I was 99% sure about my selection but what if ……?

I stopped this what if thought and left everything on the future.  

“It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But it is much more healing to look at ourselves and our past in the light of experience, acceptance, and growth.”

And today, result is with me…..yes I have done it. I have got selected. I can proudly say.

I am a very unique person; same as others. I have my problems, my anger, my  weakness, my strength, my questions, my answers, my queries, my search, my ego, my victories, my defeats and my experiences. I try to remain sane in the midst of all this. I don’t know how much I succeed and maybe I don’t want to know. I don’t want to find the truth about life or the ultimate goal about living a life. All I know that it’s a journey through all this and all I get is a stupid experience. ………….

“Waqt rehta nahin kahin tik kar, iski aadat bhi aadmi si hai”.

- Gulzar.

Everything at times makes me confused, never know what to do.

I never know if I feel grey or if I really feel blue.

Always had a tough time making up my mind.

Half the time I don’t know if what I do is really right.

Sometimes I wish I could deal with this confusion on a better level.

I reluctantly went to engineering college to attend the interview. I was not sure how it would go; I went for the interview and got selected. It was a piece of cake. The teaching job needs the confidence to teach, confidence to speak. I had been all over average performance and never had been on stage. I would certainly say, teaching job was definitely not for me.

I had an option now. I could say bye bye to my present company and explicitly register my resignation. But I thought; let’s try few days this offered new job, if I wouldn’t feel great I could come back to my original position. As decided without informing to my present company boss I joined this new organization. But I was paralley indicated to my boss that I was ill and need few days leave. To my surprise, he easily gets convinced.

When I joined, there were two more faculties who used to teach same subject which was offered to me.  I had joined the institute when first semester exams were on the head. I was the one with no experience. I was asked to conduct the practical of first year student. In the college I studied on age old system, old practical. Again I was instructed thru crash course suggestions by one of the faculty. Everyday I would learn the topic and teach the student is same way. Any new query outside the topic would have struggling me for words. Initially it was very difficult as I would be intellectually pushed in a corner by the students. I was just a few year older than the students who came to study.

The first week I walked in electrical practical lab. I was asked to maintain the pace so that we could finish all practical modules within times. Exams dates were already fixed. I was tensed. I was teaching such a big class for the first time. Sometimes the noise in my class would be so loud that the other faculty had to intervene to put some order, I usually used to take silent approach. They would start making noise and I would just stand there, watching them with folded hands. Very soon they would realize “Ma’am is awfully silent and then they themselves would stop talking .I would just ask them one question;

“Jahala”…..(Finished?)

Then they sheepishly grin at me and then I would continue with the teaching.

In the whole day, I only had 4 hour of actual work. The rest would go with studying next day homework, roaming around or sitting outside the class doing nothing. There was a time in school when sitting or actually standing outside was a punishment. Slowly I was learning to teach. I did not have any formal training in teaching, at least the subject I was teaching.  I would try to tech them in the way I understood the subject.

Everyday it was getting up, catching a bus with all those homework in this small brain. Sea of people would be moving towards the Jui Nagar, Nerul and some other new Mumbai area. Most of them were private employee of small firms. In new Mumbai, specially in Panwel , there are several small scale industries which need this sea of people. In the evening, this sea would move in opposite direction.

The 2 hour lecture and 2 hour bus journey would leave me completely drained and high. Again it was getting depressing. It was an easy going job but boring. I have started getting insecure feeling. It wasn’t at all feasible for me to travel down all the way and maintain same stamina to teach those enthusiastic students.

Again a thought of going back to my old company was tunneling in my mind. I was not sure whether my boss had got the information of my new job or not. Just to sneak the status, I called up him and asked whereabouts, and to wonder he was still hoping that I would be back. I smiled at him. 

I don’t know, whether I was smiling at him or at mine. Going back to same job, around same people was really not a fun for me. I needed to prepare my mindset again to juggle over those obnoxious activities.

Honestly speaking I was scaring if he would say come back ma’am to our firm, didn’t you like your teaching job”

After 12 days I decided to quit and just 13 days old, I left my second professional job. I admit I quit and even today I am glad to do so. I had no plan whatsoever what I would do now but I was sure that I did not want to continue there…!

But thank god, after resuming I got the same treatment which I used to get. I joined with same enthu then. I decided to chill out for some time without much dwelling on what to do in future.

Teaching job was my shortest period of professional life.

Hereon, I had been concentrating hard on preparing my MSEB and other few exams which were lined up in month or two. I was heartily studying over those boring books just to get the rid of initial screening test.

The life was not the same again…!!!

I had been getting advice to prepare for Jet -Airway exam and interview from one of my close acquaintances. But mentally I couldn’t prepare myself to look those kinds of assignments. I kept this option also and continued my study. Meanwhile I had not stopped passing my CV’s to friend circle. Most of my friends had a concern about my job and they were equally trying out to look for better job for me.

I had been getting promise from one of my friend to call for an interview. I used to call him regularly to get some feedback. But hell, I said in the beginning my destiny never supported me. He was also bluffing out and kept procrastinating to arrange interview in his firm. Finally I gave up.

Sometime my CV had been selected by few major multinationals but my ATKT was became a riddle for them. I could not even blame them. I had to be in sync with professional competency.

Still I was waiting for the best day…..Sooner or later it would be definitely come…..!!

To be continued…

  ( PN: This article was drafted on 20th April 2008 , today just posting )   

Today was the day of celebration for me. Yes I did it, after huge struggle finally I could get into MSEB selectors list. Though it is not an IIT or IIM selectors list, still I am proud of myself.

 Needless to say, I am so ecstatic today and I should be. I deserve to be happy.

When I look back to my past two years, its hard to believe that I have done it…my entire destiny was playing with me. As someone said nothing comes free, you have to pay it to get something.

In retrospect to those days, yet I still remember a day when I came to this strange city called as Mumbai. Every year thousands of engineers come to this magic city to weigh up their potential, test their metal. I was one of those masses.

 Peoples likes to give free advice “ beta ha course kar future prospects changale aahe , amuk amuk la resume devun thev, apti prepare kar, IT madhe sadhya changala job milato”.

Needless to say, I was also getting these initial doses from my acquaintances.

 I would definitely say, I was quite lucky to have some blood relative in Mumbai. My aunty was staying in Airoli ( Navi Mumbai ) . I started my initial job prowl staying with them. Scanning various job’s site, forwarding resumes was becomes my breakfast, churning out apti books,interview notes was becomes my lunch.

I remember, how enthusiastically I used to check my mailbox, and whenever I used to get a reply that “your CV has been selected, please send your latest updated resume to” ….. “What the hell updated resume they seeks now….this is my latest CV, what should I add more to make it latest” …. . 

Initial 2-3 months were gone with small kind of assignments. In those days only I explored my internet knowledge specially talking about orkuting, chatting and hence forth. Later day’s responsibilities were pilling up on me. I could realize now, I was the only employee who was good in EXCEL, records maintenance even in integrating the team. My co-workers were asking me to train them in EXCEL. How funny…!!!It would be worthwhile to mention about the food. I had heard about corporate mess of an organization, but here even I could not find any good kind of restaurant nearby my office. Eating outside was the only option. Sometimes my colleague used to bring parcel from her mess. She was friend of mine. One another day, I was asked to attend customer calls. I was told to address customer’s technical/ service related problems. Our small unit was also dealing in providing technical assistance of our product. I was a novice then with no prior experience of attending problems or handling the customers. Nevertheless attending the technical problems was the easier part, but handling the customer was difficult one. Now I don’t remember exactly how many times I had fumbled in those assignments. Days were just going on; I was continuing my fumble with present assignment. In addition to this heat, I was assigned some accounting responsibility. It was a big hell. That week, I had always ended up my days in argument with my boss for giving me this obnoxious and boring task.

My professional high and dry condition was putting impact on my health. Also in same duration I had some conflicts with my aunty and circumstances impelled me to take some hard decision. I had to find new accommodation near by. These hiccups had significantly contributed in my health problem. I had devastated and got down with high fever. My health became severe and I had to call up my papa to take me back to hometown.

I think I had left some good impression over my boss even after frequent arguments; he was in constantly touch with me and regularly updating my health status. After resuming back, he might have realized that I need more experience to solve the problems rather than throwing me in the water and expecting me to swim. I was pulled out of operator kind of job and assigned to regular record maintenance job.

Out of the blue, one day my boss asked me to go for training somewhere in Ahamadabad or Banglore. I don’t remember now. He could be thinking he was giving me better opportunity. I was not in position to decide it, whether to go or not. Various opinions from my friend circle were making me more confused. I was realizing it was a sugarcoated capsule for me. Finally I refused to go for training.

The job was not fun neither was it paying me much. Although I did not mind the pay but at least I need to have exciting job. I was getting depressing. Few exams were lined up in a row. Preparation for exams, interviews are not letting me to settle down in life. During the entire year . I have been the witness of my few friends who got good jobs in multinational. Their conciliation was always with me but truly speaking sometimes their suggestions were teasing my nerves.

I kept busy myself in dreaming about the day which would dawn and bring something change for me. 

 I ‘m waiting for the day  

When I can finally say

That I’m the gal number one

And that’s the my job number one

‘Cause at the moment it’s only a dream

At times I just want to scream

Fearing this will never happen for me

Yet in my mind it’s all see

Thinking, knowing I’ll never see it that way

What can I say, it’s every girls dream

But for me it will never be that way

It’s a dream, that’s all I can say.

  ……………….Jessica Diamond

Meantime I had been advised to look for teaching job. One of my friends suggested me to attend interview at Engineering College in Belapur (Navi Mumbai). The present job had a feeling of suffocation and now I was looking for get the rid out of it. I was seriously started thinking about this option. 

 To be continued…………. 

dont know how much time I an spare from my busy and hectic schedule to maintain this new learning…..

I never know, whether somebody will visit my blog or not…!! but still doing some effort…

wish me luck